Top Ten Donald Trump nicknames

(Update, 1/11, 11:49 a.m. I wrote this back in June. Given the events of the last 24 hours — including a certain BuzzFeed story and a top Twitter trend — so many more have been created … and they have nothing to do with chess. I’ll leave it to you, O Reader, to come up with your own.)

Image from jackvincent.com.

Donald Trump is fond of giving nicknames — “Low Energy” (Jeb Bush), “Lyin’ Ted” (Ted Cruz) — but he’s even better at attracting them. Herewith, the Top Ten Donald Trump Nicknames as of June 18, 2016. No doubt there are more to come! (h/t to thehypertexts.com)

10. Short-fingered vulgarian

This, the granddaddy of all Trump nicknames, was coined by Spy magazine’s Kurt Andersen and Graydon Carter in the mid-1980s. It still pisses Trump off.

9. The Donald

Another ancient Trump nickname, this was how he was known to his first wife, Ivana. She said it was an accident of language, but there was always a touch of sarcasm to the way it looked in print.

8. Don the Con

I saw this one on a Slate comments page. It deserves wider currency. As an admiring fellow commenter noted, it suggests both “conservative” and “confidence man.”

7. Tangerine Tornado

An invention of “Saturday Night Live’s” Church Lady.

6. The vulgar talking yam

Esquire’s politics columnist, Charles P. Pierce, has settled on this as his go-to Trump description. Occasionally, he’ll highlight Trump’s self-regard with another, “He, Trump.”

5. John Barron

We can’t leave one of Trump’s own creations out of this, can we? The presumptive GOP presidential nominee used this spokesperson during the 1980s and early ’90s, and according to news accounts, he sounded suspiciously like a certain Queens-born real estate guy.

4. Donald Drumpf

In a brilliant piece on Trump’s background, history and name-calling, “Last Week Tonight’s” John Oliver noted that Trump’s own heritage leads back to Germany, where his family was known as “Drumpf.”

“Drumpf is much less magical,” Oliver observed. “It’s the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy.”

For those who can’t stand to see “Trump” on their computer screens, there’s a helpful add-on to Google Chrome that will change “Trump” to “Drumpf.”

3. Insecure Billionaire With Tiny Hands

Yes, it’s the hands again. Spy showed Trump is very sensitive to their size, so much so that Marco Rubio went after that aspect of him in one of the GOP debates, leading to one of the more unusual moments of the campaign. So a super-PAC decided to aim at Trump’s appendages, demanding he release his official hand measurements. It’s absurd and completely on the level.

2. Cheeto Jesus

“GOP Media Guy” (as he describes himself) Rick Wilson unloaded on Trump in a series of tweets late Wednesday night. His description of Trump as “Cheeto Jesus” (why not “Cheeto Benito”? Must we drag Jesus into this? Oh well) inspired a flood of memes, of course:

Trump did respond to the jibe. OK, he didn’t, but someone with a sense of humor did.

And the Number 1 Trump nickname …

1. Fuckface von Clownstick

Oh, Jon Stewart, you’re so hard to beat.