Earth sets another record! Yay us!

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According to some “scientists,” the Earth extended its record for average temperature to a third straight year:

Marking another milestone for a changing planet, scientists reported on Wednesday that the Earth reached its highest temperature on record in 2016 — trouncing a record set only a year earlier, which beat one set in 2014. It is the first time in the modern era of global warming data that temperatures have blown past the previous record three years in a row.

Frankly, I don’t know what they’re talking about. I mean, I live in Atlanta, where we’re enjoying an unseasonably warm few days — but we also had a near snowstorm on our hands two weeks ago! How can there be global warming if it’s (almost) snowing in Atlanta? And I refuse to take their word about the Arctic until I actually see it for myself. I mean, who’s to say that all that iceberg calving and polar bear dying aren’t just … fake news?

(Have you spoken to a polar bear lately? They haven’t even bothered to learn English! How are they supposed to survive and thrive in Tom Friedman’s glorious future if they don’t learn English?)

Anyway, I don’t see what the big deal is. In the 6,000 years this planet has existed, it’s been cold, it’s been hot, it’s been wet, it’s been dry. So we’re setting records now. As Peyton Manning would tell you, records are made to be broken.

Here’s to a new mean in 2017!


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